ariemdreams

great article: Children are our Zen Masters

this is me wiping out! at 1:40 in the video. enjoy.BYOBW 2009 wipe out!!

I have a wife who is always right. ALL-ways right!!!

I have a wife that is years ahead of me grammatically and academically.

I have a wife who runs rings around me when it comes to awareness (hers and mine - don’t tell her I said so).

I have a wife who can simultaneously “discuss” what I did … why I did it … why I would have done it differently if she was there … why she says I’m acting like my father … why I get it from my mother … why it’s draining to keep going through this with me … why we never get anywhere and why I didn’t say sorry 15 minutes ago!!!! All before I can remember what I did. My head spins and I need to sit down. She hates when she does that and I have a blank look on my face when she’s done. I can’t help it, sometimes I’m dazed. It’s kinda like sparring with someone who jabs your face 5 times before you even think of raising your glove.

Marcy is one the most powerful forces in my life. She is a force that helps me be me. She helped me get to where I am. And in all of that, she drives me crazy.

How can she do all that? How can she be all that? Is it me? It’s like I married Wonder Woman and I’m the guy in the mailroom. It drives me crazy!!

Daughters make you violent!! anyone who knows me knows I’m very laid back and easy going. I got married at 23. I had three daughters by 1995. And those four ladies have been the very best thing that has happened to me. Now to the crazy and violent part…

When the girls were little, I was the proudest poppa. Watching them grow. Seeing my personality coming through. Seeing Marcy’s personality come through. Seeing their own personality come through.

Now that my youngest is 11, I live in a household of women. And yes, I’ve always been in a house full of women, but then it was different. Then, they were my sisters. Then, they were my comrades. Then, we would hit each other and laugh and play. Then, I wasn’t raising girls and protecting them from boys and men. Then, I was a child.

Now, I’m in a household with three daughters and my wife. Now, it’s completely different. Now, I have budding women who don’t see what I see. Now, I have spaghetti straps over bare shoulders on a summer day that are cute in the catalog, but on my daughter they look better with a shawl (or a raincoat). Now, I have little women looking at me like I’m short!! Now, I have little people whose names are not on the lease looking at me like they pay rent and I don’t. Now, I have big bundles of emotion walking around. Now, I have tears when my voice raises.

So why violent?
As my daughters get older and become young women and more and more thoughts and desires are brought out in the open, I realize the vast population and circumstances that I’m protecting them from. I realize that everyone - EVERYONE - has the potential to harm them in one way or another. So my job as protector has been added to my job as daddy, mentor, teacher, friend and guide. Protecting them from illness, disease and falling down was the easy part. Making sure that NO ONE harms their innocence, making sure that no one assaults their being, making sure that no one “touches” them stirs something in me that I’ve only seen in movies. It stirs a deep, dark desire to annihilate anyone that thinks of harming any one of them. It has me planning to retaliate violently to anyone who harms them. It surprised me and felt natural all at the same time. It’s seems fine to want to take the life of, scare, hurt and/or harm anyone who assaults any part of my daughters at all.

Sometimes I can’t speak. I get real quiet (as if I’m not already) and plan what I’d do. Sometimes, I just walk behind my daughters in the mall and plan to slice anyone who even gestures towards them. Sometimes.

It’s crazy what thoughts come to mind being a father of daughters. Although I have a general sense that everything will be alright. That it’ll all work out. I still have thoughts of what if. I still have thoughts of what I’d do if someone was to ever, ever, e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ever……

ask and you shall recieve. complain and you get stuck in traffic. that is a line i wrote to my cousin in an email reply that i decided not to expound on, but i will here.

so, a little history….

My cousin, sent this:
Remember…..Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

My wife replied this way:
Does that mean that not going to church doesn’t make you a heathen? Or not being Christian doesn’t make you a sinner?

And of course, I added this:
and just callin yourself a christian doesn’t make you better either. i dont steal, covet, drink, smoke or cheat on my wife, but according to the church - I’m a heathen. Huh?
but if christians love christ and christ is love, anyone in love is a christian, right?
a christian is still a christian without being in church! love is still love without a “spouse”. what is just is. what does it matter the label?
but being in a garage does make you a mechanic (just not a good one)

so, by now, I probably offended some of you, but that’s not what i’m getting at. I’m trying to explain the stuck in traffic line.

all the replies reflect my aversion to labels, popular thought and secular dogma. my life is a constant struggle to not struggle. i am constantly trying to achieve balance. not all the time, but that is my purpose.

although some of my comments above may seem “mean”, “snippy” or even “angry”. it’s far from it. i love everyone and everything. we’ll get into that later.

Now, the traffic comment. I said “ask and you shall receive. complain and you get stuck in traffic” because my cousin said she wishes that she could be married for 14 years like my wife and i have enjoyed. so i imposed that if she wishes it to be true, it will be. We get what we ask for. always. if you say you know you’re gonna get a ticket, you’ll get a ticket. some people tend to have good things happen to them, but actually it doesn’t happen to them - they make things happen. And the things happen to be good.
if you complain that you know you’ll get stuck in traffic you will get stuck in traffic. But what if you’re positive and you still get stuck in traffic? Being stuck in traffic and going slower in your car than normal are two entirely separate moments. One is filled with frustration and bad words (marcy). The other is looking at it differently.

I have to emphasize the word “stuck”! Traffic is like life. Sometimes its fast. Sometimes it’s slow. Sometimes you hate it and sometimes you don’t even notice it! Traffic is a great way to gauge your tempermant and outlook on life. If you complain you get stuck in traffic means, “if you love life, you’re never “stuck” in traffic. At some point, you don’t even notice that it’s traffic. You just see cars, the road and scenery. It still takes the same amount of time to get home, but it’s not raising your stress levels or blood pressure.

there is a beautiful quote:
“change the way you look at things and the things you look at change”

1. my first memory is standing in a crib in “feetie” pajamas as my mother cried in the next room.

2. my father thought I was gay in high school because I wouldn’t dog girls.

3. i wanted to live with the Mocko family in middle school because they didn’t move every year, always had food, had Intellivision and popcorn afterschool.

4. i continue to befriend progressive christians

5. i find myself surrounded by pastors in my family and friend circles.

6. i’m a heathen

7. i have a REAL bad sense of humor that I can only share with Marcy and like 2 or 3 friends

8. i truly love my wife with all my heart

9. i need to speak up more

10. i think being a father of girls has made more of a man than anything could ever have

11. i am grateful to have so many ‘like-hearts’ in my life; just wanna enjoy and do good

12. i am a musician who can’t play an instrument or read music

13. i have no degrees and lots of skills

14. i love sitting and watching my daughters

15. i love sitting and watching Marcy (when she lets me)

16. when i was little i didn’t know i was black

17. when i was little i didn’t know we were broke

18. Marcy bought a slow cooker, made a beef stew with potatoes, onions and carrots and I was immediately 7 years old sitting at my grandmothers dining room table swining my feet. so good.

19. I’m simple

20. I love doing nothing

21. I’d love to do everything

22. I love you all

23. i think my grandfather is proud of me

24. i tear up when i think of my grandfather

25. I am married, black, working in a high tech job with no degree and still can’t fly.

The Obama’s and the Bo-bama’s.

obamas vs. bobamas

the other day I was making sandwiches for everyones lunch when Axanti and Marcy said, “you’re not making us sandwiches with that nasty cheese like yesterday are you?” At first I was like, “no, let me get the other cheese”. Then later that day I’m thinking that I need to teach my daughter to appreciate whatever they get because “when I was your age” we were happy to even have cheese. That was better than a sandwich with meat and no cheese, which was better than a mayonnaise sandwich with no meat or cheese.

So, I’m thinking, “how can I teach them to be appreciative of how good they have it” when I then thought of how hard Marcy and I work to make sure they have the opportunity to not have to settle for a meat sandwich or a mayonnaise sandwich or NO sandwich for that matter. Looking at how I grew up compared to how the girls are growing up just shows how we’re making sure that they are getting a better start in life than we had.

So, I’m going to run to the store and get the cheese they like. But when I don’t or can’t, they better eat that nasty cheese!

Xanti and Cianne salsa to michael jackson\’s Blood on the Dancefloor